THE OTHER 90%: February 2009

Damn that was fast! Just when I thought Phelps would coast his way to 2009's biggest douche of the year, Chris Brown backhands his way into the lead.

I have NEVER liked Chris Brown. Never. Guys that crave attention don't sit well with me.

So in case you haven't heard the story:

Chris Brown beat the FUCK outta Rihanna over a text message. A text message that was sent to him by some hood rat trying to meet up with Brown later on that evening. Police stated that Rihanna couldn't even open her eyes to look at the camera for evidence photos. A busted lip, nose and swollen forehead were also given by Brown. Happy Fuckin Valentine's Day huh? Fuckin asshole.

What I can't wait for, is the blackballing Chris Brown will endure once Rihanna's "big brother" makes his move.

Now, I don't know if it's his feminine lisp or ridiculous jaw but Michael Phelps annoys the FUCK out of me. He's a clown, a fuckin tool. Anybody that knows me knows that I'm VERY critical of how the word sport is used. Basketball is a sport. Football a sport. Boxing a sport. Race car driving, NOT a sport. Golf NOT a sport (sorry Case). And swimming is definitely, NOT a fuckin sport. But yet, the Olympics have considered it a sport since 1896. And Americans have continued to eat that shit up since then, but whatever. (Perhaps I should clarify what exactly defines a "sport" to me but I will save that for another time.)

So here comes along this fuckin bum named Michael Phelps. The guy can swim. The guy can swim far. The guy can swim fast. And for this, we have been feed his dick down our throats for the last 6 months. He won what, 8 medals or some shit like that? Speedo gave this dipshit a 1 million dollar bonus and he has earned about another 5 million through endorsement deals. So this goofy kid decides to come back to America and act like a fuckin ass and stir up scenes at bars with random women and at house parties demanding the royal treatment everywhere he went. And now this bong incident has come to light. I mean c'mon! Weed? You're a fuckin Olympian who now makes millions of dollars and you're at some bum ass house party hittin a bong? How fuckin lame man. And then you do it in public, that's what really baffles me. I have nothing against people who smoke weed just stupid asses who live off endorsement deals and act a fool in public. And if that piece of shit continues to say that he displayed "behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment" during every fuckin interview I fear that I just might bury my remote in my flat screen. So rehearsed and transparent this guy is.

I don't respect Michael Phelps, his accomplishments or his alleged talent. And I'll break it down really simple for you as to why: Basically he's a damn freak of nature. His long thin torso offers low drag. His arm span is 6'7 which is awkward for his 6'4 height. These arms act as long, propulsive "paddles". He has oddly short legs which lower his drag. This combination creates an enhanced hydrofoil effect which increases his speed. He has size 14 feet which act as flippers and his hypermobile ankles extend beyond the point of a normal ankle, this allows the douche to whip his feet for an above average thrust. So what does this all mean? Well, that he was BORN with these features. A lil training and fine tuning and it would be near impossible for Michael Phelps to suck at swimming....take away these attributes and you have a skinny lil farm boy who's only call to fame is that he slightly resembles an even uglier Eli Manning.